First, I have to make a confession: sometimes, when I’m really bored, I browse the articles on the fairly well known website Total Frat Move. I’m not sure what it is that makes this site so intriguing, maybe that I get to read opinions from a group of people that I am not a part of (individuals who participate in Greek life) or maybe it’s just because I like a good laugh once in a while. Some of their content is pretty legitimate, like stories on current events and funny editorial pieces. Others are, for example, anonymous tales of cocaine-fueled spring break trips that seem almost too wild to be true. Anyways, about a month ago I ended up reading the article entitled “50 Ways to be the Perfect College Girlfriend” and have been bothered by it ever since. It’s an easy read, will only take a few minutes, but I highly advise you at least skim over it before you read what I have to say in response to the author.
I read your article on how to be the perfect college girlfriend, and I just wanted to let you know how I feel about it. Normally, I wouldn’t give someone as ignorant and disrespectful as you the time of day, but your words have been replaying in my mind since the day I read your piece. Usually an article like yours (i.e. rude but meant as a joke and to be taken lightly) is something I skim over and forget forever, but something you said hits me every time I look in the mirror. You claim in #6 of your 50 ways to be the perfect college girlfriend that, “there is nothing less sexy than insecurity. Except maybe love handles”.
I am not insecure with my body. I try to eat healthy for the most part, treat myself every once in a while, and work out on a regular basis. However, skinny jeans and tight leggings are in style. I have never been (and probably never will be) stick skinny, but I still believe I have a nice body. But guess what? I have love handles. They’re not huge, and probably not very noticeable to anyone but me, but they’re there. And since you told me that they are the least-sexy thing in the world, I have come to believe it. Every time I look in the mirror and my pants are a little too tight, your words replay in my mind. So fuck you for that.
Your intentions were pure with that first statement. Insecurity isn’t very sexy, confidence is. But for you to completely degrade and insult thousands of women whose hips do not perfectly fit into their jeans is appalling. Do you know exactly how many girls you are going to find without love handles? Even the skinniest of my female friends have an issue with that, especially if they are athletic. You are setting a nearly impossible standard for your “perfect girlfriend”. Good luck finding someone who fits that. Pun intended. Also, you mention not once but SIX times how you would like this ideal girlfriend to drink with you, but it is nearly impossible to be a heavy drinker and not gain weight. Sorry to shatter your illusions, bud.
In order to actually get a girlfriend in the first place, you need to be respectful. No girl is going to read something like this and think, “oh yeah, I totally feel this guy. He’s probably super respectful”. You say things like, “be someone we’d want to hang out with sober,” “before you do anything, ask yourself ‘would a psychopath do this?'” and my personal favorite, “eventually we’re going to ask you for a threesome. Either accept or divert our attention with a blowjob. No tantrum necessary”. Have you no respect for females? Where is your mother? Get a grip, dude.
I could spend all day tearing apart this piece, mentioning times where you were completely misogynistic and wrong in so many ways, but I wouldn’t want to bore my readers with your stupidity. There is one more thing, though, that I would like to point out. You state as reason #42 that, “we hate condoms, and everyone hates abortions. You’re a grown up now, it’s time to get on the pill.” Oh man, where do I begin? Are you serious!? I really do picture you to be sleazy, disgusting, and swarming with STDs. What if this girlfriend of yours has an STD? What if she has one she doesn’t know about? What if she forgot to take her pill that day? I have so many questions. But mainly, who are you to dictate our contraceptive choices? You have no idea the side effects of going on the pill, her personal beliefs, and the hundreds of other factors that go into making this incredibly personal decision. How dare you refuse to use a condom because you just don’t like them.
I get it, you’re trying to be funny. I would hope that you don’t actually believe these things. If you do, you’re a complete idiot and I hope you die alone. But even if you are joking, I think you need to step back and check yourself. Words have a huge impact on people. You just posted something online for anyone in the world to access. How would your mother take to this article? Your sister? Potential girlfriends? I’m just some random that accidentally stumbled upon it, but there could be many others that are seething with frustration with you and your sense of “humor”.